


all we know is touch and go

by skyekingsleigh



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec centric, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But He makes Up For It, Eros - Freeform, Friends With Benefits, Jealous Alec, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Tracking, asshole jace (kinda), season one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 09:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18028973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyekingsleigh/pseuds/skyekingsleigh
Summary: Alec was pretty sure that if it weren’t for the runes they carefully placed all over Jace’s room, they’d have been caught a long time ago.





	all we know is touch and go

**Author's Note:**

> my netflix subscription is on hold so i haven't seen the new episode and i already miss jalec. title from taylor swift's state of grace.

Alec was pretty sure that if it weren’t for the runes they carefully placed all over Jace’s room, they’d have been caught a long time ago.

“Shh,” he tried to say through his own giggles, flinching once again when he felt Jace’s growing stubble against his neck. “I swear to Raziel, Jace, if you don’t shave that off–“

The blonde nephilim pulled back with a cocky smirk, his mismatched eyes lighting up with mischief and naughtiness and Alec almost forgot how to breathe. “What? We’ll stop?”

Alec could only glare at his parabatai, knowing full well where the conversation is going.

“You know we won’t ever stop, Alec,” Jace tells him as-a-matter-of-factly before leaning in to place a chaste kiss on his unconsciously puckered lips. “We can’t.”

The conversation and–more unfortunately–the mood was over, and it wasn’t even a full minute before Jace got up, buttoning his pants and fishing his discarded shirt off the floor. “I’m going to train.”

It was a cycle that Alec had been slowly getting tired of. One minute they’re touching as if not being together skin to skin would deprive them of oxygen and they couldn’t _breathe_ until they’re kissing every square inch of each other. And then something always happens after the bliss and their bubble would be popped, and Jace would always go. He always goes, always, but he never stays.

The first time it happened had been confusing for the both of them. Other than the fact that Jace had never actually really considered the idea that he might also be into boys, they were _parabatai_. It was forbidden and dangerous and all the more thrilling. They were teenagers, just five months fresh off their bonding ritual, and already they were breaking one of the most ancient rules.

That’s what made Jace keep coming back, though, or so Alec had guessed. His parabatai loved the thought of getting caught; it excited him, and Alec blindly let Jace use him despite the ache he felt every single time Jace decides that it’s time to leave. He didn’t need to wonder why he kept allowing it to happen, and a part of him thinks Jace had realized as well. He was far too in love with his parabatai to ever want to stop.

It was Isabelle who caught him alone, and she’d been trying for a while now. She did after all grew up with the both of them, and it didn’t take her long to realize that something must have been going on. Still, Alec had always managed to evade the topic, while Jace always disappears and leaves him to deal with it. 

“You can’t keep hiding from me forever, big brother,” Izzy tells him with a roll of her brown eyes when Alec tried to leave, and a defeated sigh left his lips.

“What do you want me to say, Izzy? That I’m in love with Jace? You already know that.”

His sister looked at him knowingly for a moment before dropping to sit on the floor and patting the space beside her. Alec followed albeit reluctantly. “Is Jace…?”

“In love with me?” Alec supplied with a bitter grin. “No, he’s not, or we won’t even be having this conversation.”

Izzy looked at him in mixed pity and sadness, leaning over to rest her head on his shoulder. “I wish you wouldn’t allow him to hurt you like this. I wish you wouldn’t allow _anyone_ to hurt you like this. You deserve to be happy, Alec.”

Sometimes being the eldest came with such burden, especially when you have parents like Maryse and Robert who expect so much from him. But his heart feels warm with Isabelle’s words and his eyes cleared, and he could admit that it had its perks, too. And he appreciated his sister’s concern, really, only…”I _am_ happy, Izzy. I am perfectly content with the time he can give me, no matter how short.”

She looked like she was about to protest, but they both received an alert of a demon attack near the Pandemonium and didn’t get the chance to continue. 

“Duty calls,” Izzy sighed frustratingly before patting Alec’s shoulder. “Go find Jace. I’m going to change.”

Ever since being with Jace, there had been an unspoken agreement that, while they weren’t putting any labels that would make things more confusing and complicated, they were only going to do _said things_ with each other. It was a fairly easy rule in Alec’s mind, especially when Jace was his… _first_. And although the blonde had been somewhat experienced before, Alec never doubted Jace’s commitment to their rule. Not, well, until now.

The red-haired little girl, Clary Fairchild, had been a nuisance at most when she first arrived, too ignorant to respect their customs and traditions and all but ordering them around. Jace had followed her like a puppy, saying he knew how it was like to lose everything and determined to help her, and where Jace goes, Alec follows. It’s always been like that. Even if this admission had hurt more than Alec was comfortable with, it was _fine_. Personally he’d like to think that he’d been there for Jace when he lost everything like he said; personally he’d like to think he helped him, even, or at least made things easier. It didn’t matter that he was wrong about that too, though, because this wasn’t about Alec. And if Jace hadn’t in fact felt his presence as much as he had hoped, that was on him. His fault. No need to dwell on it. 

Izzy noticed though, like always. Alec was grateful that she didn’t make any comments save for the pitying looks every time she catches him flinching or looking away or just being his jealous self. Jace was too preoccupied to notice, so it was nice that at least _someone_ did. Still, surely somewhere along the way, Jace would agree that Alec had to draw a line? As acting head, his parents had been putting way too much pressure on him and Jace knew that, had been the one helping him relax most nights in unconventional and _illegal_ ways, surely he’d understand. Only he didn’t. And Clary Fairchild, who turned out to be _Valentine’s daughter_ , was becoming more and more intolerable each day. And she had Jace wrapped around her little finger. It was more than he thought he could take. 

Especially when they went to another unsanctioned mission for the girl, and Alec could see how she desires after his parabatai. The lingering glances, hitching of breaths, biting of lips, small and secret smiles, the sparkling eyes. He’d seen it all before, on seelies or other downworlders and even the occasional mundane when Jace wasn’t glamoured. The want. The _lust._ Typically he wouldn’t even care because Jace _also_ didn’t care, but he knew his parabatai. He enjoyed being a hero, being someone’s knight in shining armor. He enjoyed being needed, and the little girl was practically the neediest there was, _theoretically speaking_. Or maybe he was a little bit biased. And jealous. But it was kind of hard not to be, when Jace was arguing with him and defending someone he hardly knew against him.

And, really, he couldn’t believe Jace of all people had told him to _keep his voice down_ lest he offends the girl, and he was sure Jace had sensed his hurt, shock and anger through their bond by the way the blonde had flinched immediately afterwards. And expecting him to track the warlock like nothing happened? He tries to keep his emotions in check (but also reminds himself to keep his door locked later that night). 

“Got him,” Jace announced, quickly stepping back and away from him. It should’ve stung but he was used to it. And when Izzy and Clary walked ahead to the direction of Magnus’ lair, Alec didn’t think twice about grabbing his parabatai’s arm and stopping him with a cold expression.

“We have an _agreement_ , Jace.”

It made him feel some sort of comfort and relief to find guilt in his mismatched eyes, but it wasn’t enough to compensate everything that had happened the past few days. “I’m sorry, Alec, about earlier. Clary, she needs us. We have to help her. She has no one.”

“I’m your _parabatai_.” His expression turned even colder if possible, before he let out a bitter smile. “Just something to think about while you throw us all under the bus to _‘help’_ this girl.”

And then he walked away.

He had been half-expecting the knock that came at his door just twenty-eight minutes past midnight. Their routine was becoming predictable aside from tiring, which is why he’d taken to locking his door as a ‘fuck off’. Alec was not surprised by the annoyance that flared inside him at Jace’s ignorance. _All the fucking time_. Still, he let the knocking go on for about ten more minutes before actually standing up to open his door. 

He didn’t even get a word of protest out before Jace barged inside, noticeably trembling and frowning and all kinds of fidgety, before he started to pace around in front of Alec who stood with his mouth open, still in the same spot. 

“Jace, what the hell?” Suddenly frantic eyes met his, and Alec recoiled at the fear and confusion in them. 

“You locked your door,” he managed to say, accusing with his voice shaking ever so slightly. “You never lock your door.”

Alec cocked an eyebrow in response, still trying to comprehend exactly what Jace’s deal was and why he wouldn’t stop pacing or even pause to look at him.

“And then earlier,” he continued to rant. “With the memory demon, your memory of your most loved one was of _me_! Me, Alec! But you said that you were deceived and you denied it and Magnus Bane was _flirting_ with you and–“

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Alec had to laugh incredulously. “Forget it. I’m tired. Go to bed, Jace. I’m not talking to you when you’re being this irrational.” 

Jace pouts at him before glaring stubbornly and stomping his way towards _Alec’s_ bed and literally jumping under the covers, closing his eyes defiantly. “Fine. Good night, then.”

“Jace!” And Alec hadn’t whined, all right? It just sounded a little bit like that but he wasn’t. _Swear_. He approached the stiff figure on his bed and poked him repeatedly but to no avail, his parabatai remained unmoving. “I can’t believe this.” He mutters to himself before calling again. “Jace, get up right now!”

Jace still didn’t move.

“Fine. If you’re not done being childish, I’ll just sleep in your room. Enjoy my bed alone.” His words finally seemed to sink in with his parabatai because Jace suddenly sat up to pull him down, and Alec had been so surprised that he tumbled ungracefully and landed partially on top of the blonde.

“Jace–“

“I’m sorry.” The drastic difference between Jace’s tone now compared to earlier almost gave Alec whiplash. If earlier his voice had been sharp and accusing and angry, now it held a vulnerability and softness that he only got to see a few times. They both weren’t one to show their emotions, as it’s always been easier that way. However, with Jace’s grip tightening on his left arm, they had never been more, well, _emotional_. “I’m sorry I’ve been a jerk this past few weeks. I deserved you locking the door on me. I’m sorry it had to get to that.”

To an outsider’s point of view it would have sounded light and petty. Who gets this emotional over a locked door? But Alec knew; he understood what Jace had meant. Ever since they were little and even into their newfound physical relationship, no matter how many times Jace left in the morning after, at night it was always Alec’s bed that is home to him. It was always in Alec’s arms that he gets to sleep without fear of nightmares, because his parabatai would never let anything bad happen to him. To love was to destroy, but Alec’s love gave him the kind of power that lets him live, lets him _breathe_. When he turned the knob and the door wouldn’t budge, he had felt the same fear, fear of his father being right, that to love indeed was to destroy, and that he had destroyed whatever he had with Alec, even when deep inside they both knew they could never be apart much less destroyed.

“You were a real asshole,” Alec chuckles but he gave a defeated sigh, cradling Jace’s body closer to him so that he could rub his back like he always did when they cuddle. “I was scared you’re losing sight of all of us, all because of the little girl.”

Jace didn’t comment on the nickname, which he greatly appreciated. He didn’t really feel like being jealous at the moment. Instead, Jace buried his face in Alec’s neck and sighed contentedly.

“We’re messed up,” Alec says after a minute of full silence. “We’re parabatai. We…I was serious when I said this is getting tiring, Jace.”

And Jace whimpers, actually _whimpers_ , digging his face on the crook of Alec’s neck more and tightening his hold on Alec as if he was afraid that he would leave. “I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

Alec smiled bitterly at his words. _‘Please don’t leave me_.’ It was unfair, really. How many times did he think about saying those words to Jace every morning after a night of breathy moans and harsh kisses? How many times did he wish he had the strength to actually go through with saying them? And now here he is, armful of the blonde man he was helplessly in love with, and he was feeling his resolve _crumble_. But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t crumble. Not now. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he started, stroking Jace’s hair gently. “I will always be your parabatai. But this other bond that we started…it’s not just tiring, Jace, it’s dangerous, for the both of us. We need to stop.”

“We _can’t_ ,” Jace insisted, voice pained. “Please don’t do this, Alec.”

Alec sighed, feeling his heart literally crack at his parabatai’s words. “Don’t make this any harder than it needs to be. This was bound to happen, either way. There’s no ending in this that we come out on top, that we get what we want.” He gulped. “There is no other ending than stopping it, than ending it. That’s the truth and we both know it, Jace.”

_“I love you.”_

Alec stiffened. He wanted to scream, to shout, to cry. He wanted to _do_ something, but his body remained frozen at Jace’s words. Finally, after a beat of silence, he pulled away from Jace and sat up, expression cold. “ _No_. You don’t get to do that to me. You don’t get to _say_ that to me. Not now. Not when you don’t mean it.”

Jace opened his mouth to protest, but Alec was already gone.

**Author's Note:**

> i've read almost all the jalec fanfics here. i need more. please make more. we need more jalec.


End file.
